Loneliness and Grief 1

I received a phone call this week from a person suffering from a tragic loss because of a car accident.  I told her I would post about my own path in dealing with grief. First I offer my deepest condolences and I hope something in what I am writing today, and in the next few days,  will in some small way help to lighten the sadness.

As I looked for something to ease her pain, a post I wrote in 2009 came up.  

Audrey writes to her dad:
Background:  In 2008 or 9 my dad showed me a letter that he had been carrying around with him for 2 years.   It was one I sent him when he was grieving the loss of his wife of 32 years.  He had lost his first wife (my mom) almost 40 years before that, after many years of her suffering with cancer.  So there was a lot of built up emotion of two loves and two tragic loses. 

I am reprinting parts of the letter in hopes that it will offer some solace to others who are grieving.  My dad said it was of great help to him, and I guess it was, since he was still carrying it around 2 years later.     I have removed the very personal parts and just left the information about how to change feelings of dispair.

Basic Tip:  For every negative thought or image, create two that work better. Ones that enhance rather than tear down.    I know it is a “push” to do this when you are sad, yet it really can make a powerful difference in your emotional state.   

We gain more from creating pictures and thoughts that create pleasant scenes, rather than ones of pain and sadness.”

USING THE MIND-BODY CONNECTION TO GAIN CONTROL OVER EMOTIONS

This is the letter my dad had saved:

To my wonderful Dad,
Please read this, I hope it might help in some way with the pain and loneliness you are feeling.

Dad, in this very sad time I realize how hard it is to believe you will ever feel happy again.  And grief is normal and expected when you lose someone you love.

I know how much pain and suffering you both went through during (Name left out) 7 year illness.  Now that she has passed you keep remembering the horror what your beloved wife went through.   I see how these “pictures”  affect you,they cause you to relive those traumatic memories again and again. Thinking of the trauma isn’t helpful,  it doesn’t ease her suffering, it just re-creates yours.

I also hear you talking about many wonderful times you had together before her illness.  Unfortunately,  almost as soon as you have those positive memories, the pictures of pain and sadness, overtake you again. And the tears start to flow.

I am sending you some thoughts that come from the book I wrote called, Power of Thought.  I know how hard you tried to ease her pain, I remember the scary, traumatic events you told me about.  I’m not asking you to forget, just asking you to use that creative brain in a way that serves you better than reliving trauma.  Reliving the fear, sadness and trauma unfortunately doesn’t change what happened.  If it did,  then it would  be serving a positive purpose.  But it just re-traumatizes you and doesn’t help (name left out) to suffer any less.

Your whole life you’ve always looked for  the “silver lining.”   No matter how hard the situation, you were able to put a positive spin on it.  That is one of your wonderful qualities, finding the good even in the most difficult of times.  And I hope as you read the words I write that they will remind you of how to do this again.

So continue to use your mind and thoughts to bring back the positive  memories.  It’s ok to re-create the sweet joy of your marriage.   And when you do at times feel the horror and pain, that is OK too, just don’t stay there too long.   Imagine the  healing taking place in those tears.

I will continue this post tomorrow.